Are you selfish?

I've been agitated the past couple of days and from an unexpected source. I'm agitated from the inside in ways I haven't felt since I was a teenager and maybe early 20s.

I've come to a place in my life where I'm finally healed from the 'humbling period' of my life. I went in my 20s thinking I could conquer anything and do it all by myself. I came out of my 20s pretty hopeless and claimed to have learned to be content. I had been selfish, perhaps even greedy, but now I had learned my lesson and was content.

Now in my mid-thirties I've come to realize that contentment, when abused, is selfish. Even if I had everything I needed to live comfortably, to sit back content would be selfish. We live in a world where the struggles of our neighbors and humans all across the globe is available for us to read about in little hand held devices that rarely leave our side. With all the hurt and need in the world, how can I sit content?

So once again I'm agitated and working to use my talents in ways that will make this world better. In the process I'd also like to help provide for the family so that we are more financially secure and able to travel with our children. The thing is that I can't do it 'all by myself' as I've insisted for as long as my memory goes back. I need make friends, enlist help, encourage others and trust the ripple effect of my efforts will make a difference in ways I cannot do all by myself :)

Don't look back

This morning I read the story of the destruction of Sodom and Gommorah. What stuck with me really was how Lot's wife fatally looking back takes up one sentence.

"But Lot's wife looked back, and became a pillar of salt."

My first thought is poor Lot! He lost his wife. My second thought is always 'would I have looked back?'

I'm a curious person and humans seem to have this morbid need to watch train wrecks, slow down at accidents and watch intense action and horror films (I can honestly say that I do not enjoy watching horror). Why did Lot's wife look back? I don't know. I Googled. Someone suggested that she had become consumed by the fine things that being near the city provided her and that although she knew she should go it was hard for her to leave her belongings. So she looked back.

As readers and students we are left to fill in the blanks. Maybe we don't need to 'fill in the blanks'. We don't need to justify her looking back or to understand why. The only point is that she did when she was clearly told not to and she suffered fatal consequences for her disobedience. Thank you God for Jesus!!! I may be a pillar of salt a thousand times over for my sins without Him.

Although we are now saved, I believe there is still a lesson to be learned here. When it's time to move on, don't hesitate. When God makes you a way out of a sinful situation, go. If he doesn't make a way, find a way. Be moved - change your situation or change your location. Move. Don't look back. Don't go back. Don't even visit in your mind. Longing for the past is not productive. The only way is forward. The way is through Jesus.

In My Head

Do you ever have days where you spend a lot of time in your head? Today is like that except maybe it's more that I'm in my heart or soul or spirit.

I recently finished a first read of The Bible. It's taken me over 20 years of inconsistent daily reading of about a single little chapter per day. I was excited today to start reading from the beginning and to really try to absorb and understand.  My Bible notes indicated that Moses probably wrote Genesis and for the first time it really sunk in that I'm reading a translation of the word of God written by a man over 2000 years ago. A man who had the courage and faith to lead a people out of slavery in Egypt looked up at the same moon and felt warmth from the same sun as me.

It makes me feel so small and insignificant. It makes me wonder what more I can do. Is there a people I can lead? What is my purpose and is what I'm doing already contributing to that purpose in a meaningful way?

I have more questions than answers and observations today.

Advice on Adulting

Right now I'm rereading Letters to a Young Poet by Rilke and it's just full of excellent advice but I certainly didn't receive this advice as well in my early 20s. I don't really even remember reading this the first time. I'm not one that always receives advice happily. I do have a few people in my life now that I seek advice from for specific situations, but I haven't always had people that I sought advice from on purpose. I was like a toddler in a 20-year-old body! "I do it myself." That's what my toddlers say over and over. 

I listened to an audio book this week of  The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. In it you could listen to Covey speaking at a seminar about his book and one of the concepts he discussed is how we mature as humans. First we are dependent, then independent, and finally interdependent. I read this book once, I think. It was at least 10 years ago, which probably explains why I don't remember reading advice!

Toddler to 20s for many is one big struggle for independence and to take care of ourselves. Then when you get to your late 20s to early 30s you start to realize independence (sometimes referred to in social media right now as 'adulting') stinks! It's too hard to do alone. So now we work towards interdependence. Relationships and networking become as important as any achievement in both personal and business life.

I hope I haven't made it sound like I've got things all figured out because I don't at all. Another decade from now I might look back at this post (if the internet is still a thing) and laugh at my youth.

Living with Purpose

When I was younger I had an awareness that my life had purpose. I didn't know what it was yet but somehow thought that purpose would just magically make itself known when I grew up and it would be AMAZING. What would I be? How would I turn out?

Then after graduating college, a switch flipped and I went from dreamer to bill payer nearly overnight.  I know others out there must have this same story. I thought I'd never dream again, but just over a year ago I took a little risk starting my own direct sales business and now find myself dreaming again and discovering my purpose. I may not know my full purpose, but I do know it's not just to pay bills - neither is yours.